Amiga

Super Tetris

Do I really have to explain to you how Tetris works? The game has sold so many copies I reckon people who don't actually own a computer or console bought it anyway so that they didn't feel left out. In fact, the manual claims the game (which involves manipulating small shapes composed of four squares and slotting them together to create horizontal lines for points) is so successful that it has strong links with the collapse of Communism and the Soviet state. Hmmm, I can't quite see it myself.

There's a saying in old Russia. Roughly translated, it goes something like: "A man playing Tetris cannot be expected to plough his field, even if it's about to rain". Quite what this means no one's really sure, but the fact is that it remains one of the simplest and yet widely played games since – er, that other simple, widely played game. Now Spectrum Holobyte have fiddled about with it, tarted it up somewhat and MicroProse have released a new version under the grand name of Super Tetris. But the question is, is it super? Well...

Super Tetris ist das Eigenplagiat des Jahrhunderts, noch dazu ein technisch uninspiriertes: Die Steinchen sehen aus wie immer, die Hintergrund-Motive aus dem Moskauer Staatszirkus sind eh überflussig wie ein Kropf. Dazu plätschern Musikstücke und FX aus dem Lautsprecher, als ob sie das Ganze überhaupt nichts anginge – ein Glück, daß man sie abstellen kann. Gesteuert wird am besten mit dem Keyboard, Stick und Maus bleiben nervenstarken Steinchen-Knoblern vorbehalten. Viel schlimmer aber ist, daß sich beim Gameplay nichts getan hat, was man nicht schon aus den vielen Kopien anderer Leute kennt.

A puzzle for you. Do you know who invented Tetris? No, it wasn’t Keith Chegwin, although you’re quite close. I’ll tell you. It was the Devil. Yes, Tetris is Satan’s computer game. It’s a brainwashing device, designed to turn the people of Earth into drooling techno-zombies. And, God help me, I love it. You see, Tetris is full of Satanic messages. And we can prove it. We videotaped a game of Tetris, and then played it backwards. And there it was, in Morse code. “Worship Satan” it said. “Hey Kids! Fancy going to a party round at Satan’s house?”. Stuff like that. Gulp.Ever since, Biff’s taken to spinning round violently, cursing at priests in Latin and spewing pea soup everywhere. Some things never change, eh?