Genesis

Dark Castle

This game is so bad, criticising it is like kicking a sad, retarded cripple while he's down. Apart from the laughable sampled sound, everything about it is diabolical. The graphics look like they've been lifted from a particularly crap Master System game - well, look at the screenshots and agree.

Crap games often develop a cult following, people who want to witness a massive trainwreck unfold onscreen. Like a runaway locomotive aimed squarely at a gas station full of starving Ethiopian babies, you know something BIG is gonna happen at the end. But this time around, it's not an entertainingly explosive trainwreck like you'd find in Sword of Sodan. I doubt you'll be able to put up with the game long enough to see even half the badness. In Dark Castle, the train runs you over before it explodes. And you can't enjoy the ensuing calamity if you're dead.

Dark Castle isn't just a bad game, it is THE bad game. As a collector, I bought it because I knew that was doing to suck and I wanted to experience it firsthand. The gameplay could have been fun if EA had decided to actually work on the game, as the concept was reasonably sound. The controls are pathetic and the fact that you control a complete muppet who can barely walk up steps is just ridiculous. This game is great as a paperweight, a doorstop, or something to prop up a broken table leg, but as a game it's the poorest of the poor.

Dark Castle ist wie man wohl nun gemerkt hat, nicht nur ein schlechtes Spiel, es ist DAS schlechte Spiel überhaupt.