Rumble Roses

The Good
Let’s get one thing straight, folks: it is impossible to have a guilty pleasure in video games, because they are all guilty pleasures. There isn’t one video game you can play that has more inherent value as a work of art than another, because none of them are art.

Okay, that’s two things, but it counts as one when all you do is mash on an “X” button.

A video game is a game: it’s something you do for fun. When you do something for fun, it’s to pass the time away in a leisurely fashion. As the ‘corn made me admit, it’s a hobby. When you judge a video game, you’re judging it by whether it is fun or not. A video game can move you to tears, the way you cried when Aeris died (you sissy, you know what game). A video game can sport impressive artwork, like a fantastically detailed mech (didn’t Michelangelo design one?). But this is not art: this is design.

Art is art: besides being hard to describe (man, I’ll get on with talking about juggling boobies in a moment), art doesn’t exist for the sole purpose of entertainment or profiting money. While it may entertain, art exists for its own purpose only. A great work of art has to exist for no other reason than it is great. Great art doesn’t need you to “get” it or be moved by it; no, great art challenges us. Great art is often misunderstood during it’s time such that only generations later can it be understood (for example, Van Gogh sold more or less two painting during his lifetime for grocery money but in the near past a Japanese company bought “Sunflowers” for about 180 million US. If you really want to, insert “System Shock 2” here…for your own argument).

Yes, I’ll concede some things: games are maturing. One day, maybe, games will become art. Many games exist now that inspire “some” discussion (by that I mean the discussions that don’t involve “kewl” or “rox”). Games exist for their own purpose, just like art, but the purpose is different: to make the gamer keep playing. If it tells you a cool story in the meantime, if it moves you like Clive Barker’s bowel movements move him, cool. But that’s all secondary to the primary purpose of entertaining you by playing it.

Games don’t inspire independent thinking: you’ll never throw down a Dualshock in the middle of Final Fantasy X and shout out to the ceiling: “So that’s what my dead father was about!! If only I knew 60 hours ago!!” They inspire you to keep playing. Einstein wouldn’t have gone “E equals M C squared… you mofo!! Eureka! At last!!” after he beat any one of those Zelda games.

Games are business. Big business. And big business is all about making money. You can be sure that any game you buy these days that has a Roman numeral past “V” has got to be good; well, at least better than all the ones that came before it. If you make a lot of money once, you’re lucky. If you make a lot of money often, you’re smart. And if you’re smart on making money, you’ll depend on a formula. Making sequels is that formula in games. Take one good game that people will buy, and franchise it to death. Dynasty Warriors: once a good game, but what does KOEI care? People are buying it, people are playing it… that’s video games, folks.

(SIDE NOTE: that’s why I most interested in Bioshock 2. Of course they’ll make a sequel and make more money, but it’s to an amazing game that never should have existed in the first place. It’s like as if they made a third sequel to the Godfather… wha?)

So: games, while not art, is a business meant to entertain. And that’s why Rumble Roses is a smart game: it knows it’s a game and as a product, how it must serve. The geniuses at Konami have stopped with the Metal Gear (for a little while, “Solid” must turn to “Liquid” and “Gas” is in there somehow) and provided we, the huddled masses, with entertainment that will rock us to the base of our balls. This is what we want, this is what we need, no jumping of barrels or eating of pellets can match the entertain quality of Rumble Roses.

I will now sum up by describing the inherent good entertainment quality of Her Royal Majesty, Rumble Roses: all-girl wrestling with outlandish humiliation moves with unlockable sexy outfits. And, mud wrestling is included.

Saying anymore is like trying to describe a happiness one will never feel, a knowledge one will never know.

The Bad
As sublime as a piece of entertainment Rumble Roses is, it is still not without its faults. Yes, gladly the scientists have worked out the proper breast physics and have consulted the proper quantum breast theories (if you don’t believe me, just wikipedia it). Yes, the purposefully bad voice acting is still just as annoying and senseless as before to only heighten yet another Japan-to-English crossover.

No, the big fault here is that LIKE a work of art, Rumble Roses caused me to think. Thinking is for multiple choice tests and crapping on the throne. Thinking has no place here in a “no-brainer” button-mash video game. (EDIT: it’s like any other wrestling game and is timing-based, but whatever)

Now, you can’t criticize me for not liking to think (because it would hurt my feelings), but if I wanted to think I’d play a “thinking game” like Final Fantasy (What the hell is a chocobo? Secondly, what does it taste like?) Thinking has no place in a lesbian romp. It’s pure fantasy, the only thing missing are pillows and the boyfriend who comes home from work early.

I had two thoughts: “Where is the code to make these chicks nekkid?” as well as “Even though they are different people, why do all these chicks’ bodies look the same?” Really, in the pervert “Gallery” option where you can gaze at these chicks from any angle (like the below the bleachers angle), it dawned upon me that all these wrestlers have the same body but a different head.

No, not like real life. This isn’t sexy, this is just one narrow view of what sexy is. Where are all the different body types? This is the equivalent of an RPG having a vast game world but only having the same 10 NPC’s in each town. You’re cheating us, Konami.

What’s sexy? Big breasts, small breasts, no breasts. Big ass, small ass, no ass. It’s variety. No one has the monopoly on who or what sexy is, even though people delude themselves into thinking so. The gaming public won’t know what else could be sexy unless you give the option to them. I know by putting in a bunch of unflattering female body types into a video game is just leaving them to be criticized, but at the same time you’d be opening the door to public consciousness about what is sexy and what isn’t sexy.

So let’s get it on, Thigh-zilla! It’s time to rumble, Hatstand Girl! Shake that thing, Hip-Hip Hooray!

The Bottom Line
The bottom line is that the ideal of female body image has been manipulated by mass media to create a standard of beauty that is impossible to attain, thus giving women something else to distract them from achieving equal status with men.

Secondly, you will enjoy this game.

The Good
I've been playing a lot of WWE games over the past decade from the SmackDown vs. RAW series. But since I saw the TV commercial for Rumble Roses, I was drooling to the screen and saying "What are these girls wearing? Will there ever be a fighting game this hotter and beginning to kick the living hell out of the Dead Or Alive bikini-clad chicks?" I was right, and that's why Rumble Roses is the perfect combination of the words "Down N' Dirty." With so many options to choose from, my favorite is the mud match feature where you choose your favorite characters wrestling half-naked in the creamy chocolate pool. I wish they could be featured in a Playstation Magazine swimsuit section. The story mode is where you start by taking down all of the women and then you have to challenge Lady X in the final boss battle. It may be sound different when they usually mixed the words "Lady" and "X," hey, remember the Metal Gear Solid games Snake Eater and Sons of Liberty? Maybe it could be a reminiscent of EVA and Solid Snake. But the story mode is incredible. It also lets players to choose which side are you on with the heel system. For example, Former WWE superstar, Edge, used to loved the fans so much. Instead, he's got into the darker side as he wins and cheats matches, marries Lita, and becoming a World Champion. That's why everyone is booing and chants "YOU SUCK!" to a wrestler that turns his/her good side into betrayal. It's just the same in a WWE game where you place a dirty move, the referee never saw it, and uses some kind of weapon (brass knuckles, etc.) to hide the evidence. But Vow system is where you want to choose which matches you must complete with a set of rules like no time limits, DQ's, weapons, and using her own finishing maneuvers.

The Bad
The soundtrack is great, kinda a mix of J-Pop meets Bubblegum Rock & Roll. I'm worried that the vocals aren't as any good as any game can deliver. But the big problem is? Where's all the nudity? Please don't tell me it could be another nude code trick like Tomb Raider. Sure, it's M-rated, but I want to see those girls with bigger breasts and look the same as DOA does best.

The Bottom Line
Forget BMX XXX and enough with those crappy AO (Adults Only) games. If you're looking for a fun and exciting way to relax at home, then how bout a dose of hot divas, hot bods, and hot features. Rumble Roses is one of my favorite PS2 games of all time. I hope someday in the future Konami could make a possible third Rumble Roses game not just for Playstation, but probably if Sony or Microsoft could just make an announcement regarding the Playstation 4 or another XBOX console during this year's E3. Fight now, party later.