Titan Quest

The Good
I’m going to put this out there and say that the graphics are utterly charming. There is a crispness to them, and the attention to detail such as swaying corn and fluttering birds. This, coupled with some beautifully ambient sound effects, can make simply leaving your character standing still in the wilderness a really soothing experience. With all the effects cranked up water looks great too. As an aside it was sitting looking at these scenes for a few seconds that made me turn off the computer and haul my housemates down to the beach for a random excursion. Not that that has anything to do with the game or anything…

The main thing that really attracted me to the game was the setting. Anyone who watched Troy or knows a thing or two about legends and ancient history will be pleased with the aesthetics of the weapons and armour, although the Egyptian armour often looks silly. While many infamous heads from legend pop their heads in to say hi, they’re rarely much more than things to bonk on the head.

Yup… that’s about all I can manage.

The Bad
Imagine this was a movie. Better yet imagine if the big-thighed protagonist were you. What the hell are you actually doing? You rampage across the countryside, silently bashing absolute hoards of creatures over the head again and again and again, never tiring, never sleeping, day in day out.

I’ve always had trouble with RPG’s in my head (though calling this an RPG is misleading), namely the principle of a group of people (occasionally made up of sassy teenagers) ganging together to go and massacre entire species of sentient animals, often by simply standing in front of them and swinging their weapon once, then stealing their clothes to sell for minute profit. Titan Quest has taken this formula completely to heart. It is, as it were, the embodiment of it.

Yet you really need to take a step back and observe what you’re doing. We’ve all played Diablo II, and this is essentially ‘Diablo: The Sunny Years’. We’ve all seen how addictive, though not necessarily fun, it can be.

But where are you going with this?

The principle driving force in RPG’s is the advancement system, although this is another idea that has always seemed peculiar to me. In Morrowind I started off with a certain numerical representation of my strength, lets say 20, presumably similar to what an average person can bench press, or whatever. By the time I stopped playing I had 100 “strength”. 100 what strength? Am I five times stronger than I was? Am I incapable of lifting something someone with 101 strength can?

The idea of advancing in Titan Quest is similar, but utterly flawed. The goal is to presumably get stronger in order to carry better weapons to do more damage. Yet from the very beginning, armed with a knife made of jelly and throwing custard pies, I slaughter the enemies with ease, often with one hit (save the occasional boss character, who you just hold the mouse button on for a bit). I continue to kill enemies throughout the game with one hit. Have I advanced?

Sure there is a choice of magic and archery and various buff spells and whatnot, giving you an option for replaying a game that got boring ten minutes in. But these do nothing different, save for some spangly effects, than just bonking the monsters over the head. Click, dead. Click, dead. It’s almost as bad as Dungeon Siege. One of my favourite things to do in the game is killing the crows (crows?!?) as they just leave a puff of black feathers and a disembodied “crawk”. Oh how I tittered.

I’ve mentioned Diablo, and much of its influence lingers here like morning-after breath on a girl who’s renewed your subscription to beer goggles.

There are the same non-descript, randomised weapons, each factoring up in newer, swishier models in tiny damage increments. Yet rather than the “Sword of the Badger” and other daft paraphernalia found in Diablo, these are Bronze, Copper, Iron etc. But what’s the difference between hitting someone over the head with a Bronze or Iron mace??!? A lump of rock will cause significant concussive damage to anyone wearing the thickest armour.

As in Diablo the enemies respawn upon reloading a saved game. Yet the town I emancipated from the terminally weak hoard of enemies, now reincarnated in the field next to the town, is ignored by the locals, who spout their repeating phrases of thanks for infinity. Also the Greeks speak in a Russian accent.

There are technical failings also, aside from the occasional crashes I suffered.

The hoarding aspect of Diablo was its main reason for playing. Yet Titan Quest’s makers somehow deliberately mar it here. There is no auto-sorting inventory, leaving you to carefully arrange each piece Tetris-style. The button you press to highlight the items literally piled around you doesn’t work, rarely showing every item. Even worse was the idea to include a physics engine! Profitable items such as rings are almost life-size for the character, therefore invisible to the player, often tumbling away into thick grass or hidden underneath the torrent of useless weapons and armour. And they truly are useless. The majority of objects will sell for pittance, even a big lump of Iron armour.

The game is relatively seamless and quick to load, but for some reason the occasional cave and indoor area would suffer awful stuttering.

But worst of all of this is that Titan Quest is boring. It takes you nowhere, does nothing new, and does established things badly. It is probably the most soulless game I’ve ever played.


The Bottom Line
If some of you terminal hoarders need another dose, you're presumably still replaying Diablo II. Otherwise there is zero I can say to encourage you to buy this. Unless you like men in skirts of course.