Bionic Granny

The Good
It’s 1984, and something is wrong with Granny, who has lived the quiet life somewhere in London. She has been possessed by a demon who gives her a walking stick that she has no control of and orders her to wait outside the school gates around four o’clock. That’s when the kids leave the school, make their way across the road, and down toward her. Granny must use her newly-acquired walking stick to whack as many children as she can.

The crossing guard not far from her is supposed to guide these children across the road, but she would rather abandon her post and run left and right across it at an insane speed, occasionally making a turnoff. She detests Granny whacking children as they go past, but instead of calling the police, she decides to hurl lollipops down at her. If she manages to knock her out, the demon is released from Granny’s body and she loses a life.

I think the cover art is great; it really shows Granny’s intentions. The huge skull behind her looks great as well. Colorful instructions are displayed before the game, but make sure you memorize them, because once you hit a key, you will never see them again unless you restart the tape. I enjoyed the animation of Granny going down on the ground when you are hit.

The Bad
I feel bad for those children who mistakenly thought they were going to control one of the children trying to get away from Granny, and that she was going to hit them with her “laser-powered brolly”. This is because the core gameplay contradicts the cassette inlay.

You are required to whack a specific number of children before you can proceed to the next level. There can be 999 of these levels, judging by the three-digit figure. If there actually are that many, imagine looking at the same bland graphics and boring level design. If you want to know how close you are to entering the next level, I suppose the only clue you have is the number of children leaving the school at the one time. But get hit by a lollipop, and you will restart the level again even if there is only one kid leaving.

Speaking of lollipops, they drop too fast, and it is too late to turn back if you see one being dropped just inches from you. The background music, although memorable, is also irritating.

The Bottom Line
Bionic Granny is a horrible game with bland graphics, annoying music, and gameplay that doesn’t match what is described on the inlay. The only good thing about it is the well-drawn cover. I don’t recommend this game at all. Do yourself a favor and try out Bionik Granny Returns, which is a remake of this game. It addresses all of the concerns I have raised.